Not Fair / Eileen Duncan (mother of Amanda Kates murdered 6-8-06 )
The guy that pled guilty to murdering my daughter at the precious age of 21 was only given 15-40 and 10-20 for shooting her fiance to run consecutively....now this asshole wants me to come visit him, he sends me letters which violates a no contact order. I know how you feel and where you are....why our children....and why is the justice system so leinient on them and treats the victims as more of criminals then the ones that took our children away..I have something that I am going to add that was sent to me....it is below...and remember I am here should you need to talk.
♦ Unless you have lost a child, no you don’t understand my pain, so please do not say so. Even family and friends, as much as they loved your child, still have no idea what the parent is going through.
♦ Event’s such as weddings, anniversaries, holiday, birthdays, and other events and gatherings are incredibly hard to deal with, and may be for months, years, possibly forever. Never judge, or become impatient. The grieving parents know when they are ready for events such as this. Family and friends need to be understanding, and realize life as it was before the child died, no longer exists. Therefore you will find grieving parents no longer wish to celebrate as they did in the past when their child was alive. New traditions are often made, as the old ones are too hard to continue on with. Some may choose to not celebrate at all.
♦ The day that your loved ones child died, the parents life as they knew It died too. Life will never be the same for the family, especially for the parents, so don’t expect It too be.
♦ Grief is an individual process. There is no right or wrong way. No time limit, and the grieving parent will never get over it.
♦ People may expect that grief will lessen in an orderly fashion when, especially for parents of deceased children, grief often worsens over time or recurs, dramatically and painfully, years after the loss.
♦ Grief counseling, therapy, and support groups are statistically not a commonly used option for grieving parents. If needed they are very useful, but again, each parent will grieve differently. Outside help is often found in friends, family, or the community. Do not insist your loved one seeks outside help.
♦ Respecting a grieving parents wishes when decisions are to be made surrounding the deceased child, is crucial! Many parents feel all they have left is the planning of their child’s funeral, choosing where their child will be laid to rest, and planning and attending events scheduled in honor of their child. Often family members feel they are experiencing a great loss too, and feel left out, but unfortunately the grieving parents wishes and needs must come first. Others must respect those decisions.
♦ A change in a grieving parents personality is normal, and can be permanent. It is normal for depression to set in, and is only dangerous if it is having profound affects on their personal life. Example, no longer able to work due to lack of sleep or interest, substance abuse, physically harming themselves or others, noticeable decrease in personal hygiene and care for other children, no longer wanting to be with spouse. A drop in mood, or energy is not something to be alarmed by.
♦ Family members should not look to the grieving parent for support. Loved ones often feel helpless and alone and forgotten about after a child in the family has passed away. Grief is one of the #1 stressors an individual can endure in their lifetime, especially when it involves losing a child. Turn to other family members for support. Often times the grieving parent does not want to talk, and will want to be left alone, mainly due to added stress when exposed to the demand of family and friends.
♦ The grieving parent needs support, respect, and understanding. It is crucial that family and friends shelter their loved ones from any unnecessary stress and trauma if at all possible. It is unfortunately rather common for persons in the grieving process to be the victim of sudden illness, as serious as a heart attack, or even death due to the level of stress.
♦ Family and friends may have to step in and help care for any children, such as siblings of the deceased child. Caring for young children during the initial stages of the grieving process can be nearly impossible at times.
♦ It is said that in a time such as this, the loss of ones child, it will quickly be made apparent who is going to be supportive and who is not. This is the hardest event your loved one will most likely endure in their lifetime, and it is often difficult for others to understand and continue to stay supportive. Remember, the grieving parent will never be able to put into words what they are feeling, so except that you will never understand, and decide if you are able to still be supportive.
♦ Their child may have passed away, but they are still that child’s parent.
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